So, You're Really OK?

I can't really say why I feel the need to write this today, but I feel the Spirit urging me to do so. (I started this around 3pm today and I'm just now getting around to finishing it.) Prayerfully it is meant for someone - one of you - who is in my boat or in a much more complicated one.

Over the last several months to a year I've had a lot of my friends ask me this title question in regards to the whole becoming-a-mommy process. So for those of you who are interested, have asked, care, or don't care, here is the answer to that question: Yes! I'm OK! The Lord has done amazing things in my life in the last year-ish to solidify a few things I needed to sink in. If I could recap some of the key points that have been driven home to me, I could in 3 main points:

My God is sovereign. His timing is so incredibly perfect down to the wire. I've been studying Beth Moore's "The Patriarchs" which goes through the book of Genesis from the call of Abraham to reunification of Joseph with his brother. One common thread throughout the study is the amazing timing of our God. A theme I've noticed within these chapters of Genesis is barrenness and in particular, God's perfect orchestration of opening a womb. I can't even begin to fathom the life of Sarah and the amazing journey the Lord took with her. Todd and I haven't been "trying" nearly that long, yet I have days I want to bust. Her willingness to submit to God's leading despite her seemingly unanswered prayer is humbling. And sure, she wasn't perfect and offered up her maidservant to Abraham, but to only make one (recorded) majorly stupid move to try to "help along" God's plan in 90 years of waiting is pretty admirable. And then, low and behold, she conceived. AT 90. (On a side note, Todd's sweet Granny Lucy just turned 90 and I can't for the life of me fathom someone her age with a big ole preggo belly...) God's timing was so perfect though. Had Isaac not come along just when he did, he would've been a very old man and probably have married someone other than Rebekah, mother to Jacob. God knew what he was doing. The family lineage of Jesus Christ was the big picture. Now I'm not saying my family line is more important than that of Christ, but why would God, in His supreme sovereignty, not be taking care of my own, too? Whoa...what a big picture concept that overwhelms my brain to even consider.

His Spririt gives me confidence and I stand on His promises. Throughout Scripture the Lord gives countless verses of the blessing of children. Check it out sometime. The Bible is chock-full of Scriptures about bearing children, the heritage of having them, the joy in raising them, etc. God says in Genesis 1:28 to "be fruitful and multiply."  Therefore, I can confidently assume His desire is for us to do the same. When I start to waver or become worrisome about this process, I remember God's promises of children and the gift from him that they are. I am confidant that I will be a mom. Period. I believe it with everything within me, and I'm trusting Him to fulfill that promise.

I have to pause here a moment to say that I know some of you are thinking, "You're crazy to think that God is going to give you a kid just for believing for one." I'm not an idiot. I know there are real circumstances where people physically do not have children. But I believe 2 things: 1) God can heal and do miraculous things through faith, and 2) There are thousands of orphans in the world just looking for someone to love them. Adoption is parenthood. As evident by my sweet, now legally adopted Micah man... God perfectly ordains these cases, too, even down to creating Micah to physically look like Lindsey! And if you're reading this and you fall into the category of physically not having children, please  know that I do not take that lightly or think you have little faith. Be encouraged; God can provide you a miracle through conception, adoption, or just a whole bunch of biological/not biological nieces and nephews.

My words and thoughts are powerful tools. Throughout this season of "trying" I've had my really amazing days and my rougher days. There are days when news of someone else's pregnancy or the sight of a young mom and her baby sends me into a tailspin of jealousy, frustration, and comparison. However, I've learned that "the tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21). In those hard moments I can choose to dwell on and then vocalize my fears, my worries, my what-ifs, but to what harm? My thoughts and words ought to be full of life, proclaiming the promises of God and praising Him for all He's done in my life and all that He will do. It might sound a tad over the top, but some days I tell myself aloud (usually alone in my car), "I WILL have babies. God YOU ARE faithful, and I TRUST YOU." Life is spoken into the darkness, and it also serves as a good reminder to Satan to back off. It's pretty therapeutic!

I know that's a large nutshell, but so many people have asked, and I know others must be wondering how I've been doing. I'm not usually one to share this kind of thing so publicly, but like I said before, I really feel like someone needed to hear it.

Oh Lord, would you use the things you've been teaching me to comfort, speak to, or encourage someone else in turn?

The Great Pumpkin Procrastination

Well, I've managed to outdo myself in the area of procrastination. Usually when I remember to do something, I try to make a note or do it right away so I don't forget. Sometimes I remind myself several days in a row before I finally make myself suck it up and just do whatever "it" is. Unfortunately I did not follow this policy this last week.

Earlier I left the office to head home for lunch. Almost as soon as I was in my Jeep I thought, "Hmm...something smells a bit musty in here." I did a quick glance-around to see if a random lunch tupperware had escaped my lunch box, but didn't notice anything. Then I thought, "Oh, I did just buy that sand for MDO this weekend at Lowe's; maybe that's it. And oh, I need to get those fall festival things out of the back of the car."

I got home and headed to the porch to make room for a couple of pumpkins I had in my car that were leftover from the fall festival. (On a side note, those suckers cost $8.00 because they were the fancy, "Cinderella" pumpkins, and they were the only ones left on the morning of Oct. 31, the day of our Little Sprouts festival, so I bought them. We used them that same night for our church's festival and afterward I wasn't about to let them go to waste, so I took them home - well, to my car at least.) When I reached the porch I discovered that one of the large pumpkins I had on display had imploded. I guess the recent warmth killed it, and it was a juicy blob on the porch. Annoyed, I went for a trash bag and shovel and scooped the pumpkin off the porch. Then I headed to my car to get the 2 Cinderellas from the festival to display.

I opened the back-end of my car, grabbed the first pumpkin, and set it out on the porch. I went to retrieve the other pumpkin from the car, reached out and touched it, and low and behold, the musty smell - squishy, mushy, juicy pumpkin. It had rotted (in just a week mind you) and was stuck to the carpeted floor of my car. I kid you not, I had to SHOVEL the pumpkin out of the car and scrape the bits (yes, bits) of pumpkin off the floor. After hitting the spot up with carpet cleaner, I scrubbed it with 409 and hot water several times, but unfortunately I think it is going to require professional help. I Febreezed the inside before heading back to work, and now the car sits with windows open to hopefully carry away the scent. Sick.

While I can't say I will get any better with my procrastination, I can say that I will NEVER leave a pumpkin in my car longer than a day ever again.